Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
