why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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