WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
