my vag is so smooth its legendary
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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