i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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