you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
