I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He did a backflip because drugs
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