is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
