Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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