My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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