i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
