How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
