I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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