I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
