dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
