I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
