dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
