At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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