i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
