I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
