The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
