My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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