I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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