I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
