4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
not ubering you a puppy
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
