I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
