Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
