why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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