I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
