Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
