everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
