If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
