Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
