I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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