whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
