So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
