Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
