Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
