We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
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did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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