Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
