Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
