My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
