Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
