my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
