forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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