FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
