she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
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My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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