he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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