She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
