does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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