pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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