Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
