Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
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Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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