True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
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But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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