I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
